FPL – The Sliding Tackle

Fantasy Premier League 2017/18

Weeks 11 to 15.

The stretcher is approaching. The team doctor is waving frantically as fellow team-mates look on with concern etched on their faces. Another victim of a FPL inspired sliding tackle lays on the pitch in agony. He has been served justice for being rubbish at giving a good number of fantasy points to his manager.

In this edition, we again mark out three new useless targets who deserve to be thrown out on a cold Moscow night after receiving some Spartak-ing. However, let’s have a quick recap of the effects of the punishment previously handed out Barton.

Joey bashed up the mickey-taking Henrikh but the Armenian didn’t respond to the recommended treatment. In the subsequent gameweeks, he has struggled to even get into the Man Utd match-day squad, never mind the first team. Mkhitaryan’s woefulness did allow us the sight of Messi Lingard milly-rocking at the Emirates. Behind every dark cloud, ….

Next on Joey Barton’s list was Jermain Defoe who also did nothing of note despite the motivational battering he received. Bournemouth had a couple decent results in that period but Defoe burned mouths looking to be fed fantasy points and became a foe. What a shame. Eddie, How did it come to this?

Barton subsequently tried to inspire Ben Foster to wash up some dirty laundry. However, Ben refused to keep his sheets clean and eventually helped white-wash all the goodwill built up by Tony Pulis at West Brom. ”Mutual departure” of the manager, and a mutual departure of the goalkeeper from many more FPL squads.

This edition, following on from the emphatic failure of Joey Barton, we are bringing over the legendary Sergio Ramos from Spain. Famous for his hot-headed nature, dirty tackles and an endearing affinity for red cards, Ramos would be dishing out motivational acts of violence to three under-performing FPL players.

 

Romelu Lukaku.

Looking at you, Romelu. Yes, Romelu Menama Lukaku Bolingoli, I am looking at you in disappointment as you go from one gameweek to the other, shooting blanks instead of doing some ‘Bol in goli’. Like what the heck, ONE goal in 8 league games isn’t what many of us signed up for. Over 1 million FPL managers have roamed away from Red Rom since gameweek 7. Understandably so.

Sergio, slide your alice band on to keep your hair in place. Put on your shin-pads. Lace up your boots.  Now, kindly serve up a ”Ramos Elbow” special to the big Belgian’s face. That should help knock some clarity and calmness back into his head.

 

Christian Eriksen.

Eriksen went to the land of the Irish. He then marked his presence there with Denmark, by banging in a hat-trick which took his country to the 2018 world cup. Yet, he has recorded only ONE assist in 7 FPL gameweeks. He probably must still be drunk on all that Guinness he had in Dublin. A very un-Christian thing to do.

The Spurs have not been marching in and Eriksen has been marching out of many FPL squads. Around 500,000 squads in fact. A studs up Ramos tackle, with a follow through onto Eriksen’s knee is highly recommended.

 

Renato Sanches

The wonder boy of the 2016 Euros in France. The next big thing to come out of Portugal. Bayern Munich jumped right on and the rest was supposed to be history. His story, however, now sees him at Swansea where he has been all at sea. Nine appearances, Zero Goals, Zero Assists. Oh, Renato.

Around 125,000 FPL managers had him in their squads at some point. Only 26,000 have him now. There might be some clemency from Clement, his Swansea manager, but there is none here for him. Ramos can administer some treatment by pulling hard on Renato’s dreadlocks, followed by a kick to either thigh. Adios.

 

Oladimeji Sapoloso