Un-exclusive Interview. 3rd of November, 2017
Here with us today is a man who ‘left’ a football club recently and was likely given a few million pounds or so for the privilege. He had earlier ‘left’ another club last year but was likely given a few million curses on that occasion.
Hello Ronald. Do you think Southampton fans are right to express delight at your current situation?
Well, I did want to stay with the Saints. However the
6 million pound a year contract ambition showed by Everton was enough to turn me into their Sinner, er.. erm, Manager.
Sounds like a convincing answer. Moving on then. Why did you hire your brother, Erwin, as your assistant manager in the past couple jobs?
He was very qualified for the role. No nepotism involved at all. He also saw how ambitious Everton were and so it was easy to persuade him to join me in leaving Southampton.
Close to 150m pounds spent and your team ended up in the relegation zone. Discuss.
Well, as we say back home in the Netherlands, too much of a good thing can be bad. Except when you are in the Red Light District in Amsterdam.. hehehehe
Ok Ronald, let’s keep it decent. What is the main reason for your exit from Everton?
First of all, that Portuguese **** in charge of Man Utd helped start off all the pressure on me. Telling the world that Everton should be challenging for Champions League places in the league just because we had spent a lot of money. Should have minded his freaking business.
Then I tried to buy that French GQ model/striker from Arsenal. However, he preferred to stay in London, grooming his beard on Arsenal’s bench while practising his acceptance speeches for his freakish shot which apparently won goal of the year, goal of the decade, goal of the century and goal of the millennial. May a scorpion sting him till oblivion.
I also blame Niasse for not leaving Everton despite my best efforts to push him out. I suspect he got some voodoo man involved in a revenge scheme leading to the loss of my job. The couple goals he scored this season to win us a game don’t deceive me.
Rooney deserves a big part of the blame for losing form after being stupid enough to get caught. Why go drink driving while having a woman, who isn’t your wife, in the car? Should just have done the safer, classier thing and asked her to meet him in the bathroom stall at the night club. The way we do in the Netherlands. Hehehehe
Another reason for my sack was the chairman and board of …
It’s okay Ronald. It is apparent that none of the current shambles at Everton was your fault. Thanks for your time.
Thank you too. Good luck to Everton. I can see they have agreed a mutual leaving of the Europa League. Hopefully they come to a similar arrangement with the Premier League next May. No, I am not bitter at all.
Interviewer- Oladimeji Sapoloso
Artist- Daniel Diaku