Gbemi Aderemi (Guest Contributor)
Welcome to extraordinary footie fans
Gbemi Aderemi (Guest Contributor)
Weeks 16-22
A new year should bring positive things. However in Fantasy Premier League, all old things don’t always pass away. We still have players who probably feasted on too much turkey and indulged in too much wine. Festive cheer, yes, but not enough FPL points to cheer. So I am here again to recommend some forceful acts of motivation.
In the previous edition, we had a treatment on three players. The Rough Ramos Re-generation was aimed at Romelu Lukaku, Christian Eriksen and Renato Sanches.
Lukaku briefly cackled as his scoring boots were released from their shackles. Two goals in weeks 17 and 18 and it seemed there was a Red Rom Renaissance on the way. Aaaaaand…. Nah. No further PL goals since then. Kane and Salah banging goals but lookatchu, Lukaku.
Eriksen had not proved to be a great Dane prior to his ‘meeting’ with Ramos. However, Sergio’s studs up managed to gee up the Spurs playmaker. Christian’s form resurrected in the following game-weeks. He ended up having 2 goals and 3 assists in 7 games and even had around 343,000 new FPL managers showing faith in his abilities going into game-week 22.
Renato Sanches however is a lost cause in FPL. The Ramos masterclass had no effect whatsoever. Sanches maintained remarkable consistency in the goals and assist columns by doing absolutely nothing. Zero for Renato, more hobo than FPL hero.
In this edition, we bring the man who makes more balls appear and disappear than Houdini; Troy Deeney. Who are the three under-performing players who need more cojones?
Sadio Mane
From being the Mane man to being the least glamorous of Liverpool’s Fab Four. ”Mane FC” is now as defunct as the aforementioned Fab Four and it’s no wonder why. Only 5 PL goals all season in 13 appearances (3 of those goals came in his first 3 games, by the way). Sadio has not had a great season, especially for a midfielder who started out with a 9.5m price tag.
With Coutinho heading off to hang out with his new buddies, Messi and Suarez, FPL managers are now left with the hope that Sadio Mane would form a successful new band with Salah and Firmino (The Terrific Trio?). Troy Deeney however does not believe in wishful thinking. He is a proper man, with proper balls, and he is ready to dish out some proper punishment on Mane to get him back in hot form. A kick to the chest for starters.
Sead Kolasinac
He came into the PL with a good reputation as an attacking full-back. Hence, the 6m price tag. Arsene Wenger then further increased our appetites for Kolasinac by playing him as a wing-back. The dream of goals, assists plus clean sheets proved irresistible. Over 860,000 FPL managers had him in their squads after game-week 16. It went down-hill from there. Kolasinac suddenly developed a knack for bench duties.
Sead started sitting out games as Wenger decided to give Maitland-Niles a river of opportunity which the youngster gleefully swam in. FPL managers who already had Sead had a choice to make: Back or Sack Kolasinac. Nearly 300,000 managers have gone with ”sack”. Troy Deeney is a man who knows a lot about ball-sacks and playing like Ballack (in his deluded mind). He is here to motivate Kolasinac back into top shape. A punch to the balls for starters.
Christian Benteke
A tale of two Big Bens. Although, both of them are situated in London, one proved far more useful than the other in 2017. It bonged at appointed intervals and delivered its set duties. Regardless of the fact that the Big Ben in Westminster London had to undergo repairs in August last year, it still had a successful end to the year. Crystal Palace’s Big Ben has had no such impact in real and fantasy football.
1 goal in 16 appearances is an incredibly bad record for a forward player, especially when a few defenders already have more than that number in season 2017/18. Crystal Palace might as well have had the big clock tower from Palace of Westminster upfront. Benteke has been absolutely useless. He even went as far as defying instructions not to take a last minute penalty for Palace and still ended up missing it. Deeney really needs to show the Belgian the cojones required to be a decent forward for a PL team. Troy is now licensed to destroy. All manners of motivational violence are welcome.
Till next time.
Oladimeji Sapoloso.
‘Olympic goal‘ – The name given to a goal scored directly from a corner kick. Doesn’t happen too often, only one such goal has been scored in all world cups.
First man to score such a goal at international level was Argentina’s Cesareo Onzari in a 2-1 win over Uruguay in 1924. (Uruguayans claim he was assisted by the wind, Argentines say it was all about his technique. Different perspectives understandably)
But the man who has scored the most number of goals directly from corners is Turkish striker, Sukru Gulesin. He scored a mind bending 32 Olympic goals during his career and made it into the Guinness Book of Records. Bend it like Beckham? Curve it like Sukru.
Oladimeji Sapoloso
7. Ramos vs Bayern
Sergio Ramos Garcia is one of the most perplexing players of his generation. This is a man who has quite literally won it all for club and country. He is the second most capped player for the Spanish national side, with more caps than Xavi, Puyol and Raul. He has been voted into the FIFPro World XI eight times which is more than any defender has managed. He’s scored in two Champions’ League finals. But unfortunately he’s also been sent off 24 times for Real Madrid. 5 times in the El Clasico. This is why he’s such a complex player to assess.
On one hand you have a player with a suspect temperament that can get sent off in testing circumstances. On the other hand, you have one of the best “big-game” players of his generation. The Spaniard certainly proved the latter to be true with his performance against Guardiola’s Bayern Munich in 2014. Not only did his two quick-fire headers basically put the tie to bed, but he and Pepe formed a barricade that Robben, Ribery, Muller e.t.c could not breach. It would not be the last time Ramos came up with a clutch performance for his team in a big game.
Corner flags. Tim Cahill shadow boxes with them. Roger Milla used them as a dancing partner. Some footballers kick them, some use them like guitars. But corner flags are one of the most important pieces of equipment for a football game.
If a corner flag is damaged and a replacement can’t be found, the game must be abandoned. A match also can not commence without all four corner flags being present. The kick off of the 1974 world cup final was delayed for that very reason.
It is a yellow card offence to bend or shift the corner flag when taking a corner kick. And while flags marking the middle line of the pitch have gradually disappeared over the years, corner flags are still one of football’s corner stones.
Oladimeji Sapoloso
Welcome to another edition of our weekly recognition of the top trolling threads as seen on the ”Premier Fantasy League of Extraordinary Fans” Facebook page. Feast your eyes as festive cheer was spread during the past two rounds of Premier League fixtures.
Man Utd suffered the injustice of giving up a lead against a 10 man team but Justice thinks some bus drivers are just too damn efficient for their own good. Leicester’s Harry wasn’t in a hurry though.
Nargeh offers some draw soup to tortured Liverpool and Arsenal fans, following on from their epic 3-3 draw. Warming of the soup, and coming back to eat after FIVE minutes is advised, else the soup would make your bowels as loose as a Liverpool defence under pressure.
A messenger delivers an unsolicited message and runs as quickly as Jamie Vardy arriving with a banger goal after some ‘childish’ Manchester United defending.
This contains a brilliant suggestion from an Arsenal fan. There is a big market out there for Arsenal fans who need understanding from their spouses or partners during times of emotional distress. I have a domain ready. ForthrightLove.com.
A simply epic post. One which makes you laugh but also makes you consider how it might contain some element of truth. Catch up on further investigations in ”The Thursday Night Football Chronicles”.
Oladimeji Sapoloso
Burnley FC: Anomalies
Excerpts from Ted Knuston (@mixedknuts on Twitter), football statistician and founder of Statsbomb.com website:
“We open with Burnley 2015-16. That season Burnley won the Championship, finishing with 93 pts, 72 goals, +37 in goal difference. Burnley’s opponents shot 14.4 times per game. Even with expected goals figures (xG) of +.20 a game, they should still finish mid-table.
This is an early indication that Mr. Dyche may weigh the same as a duck.
Moving on, they somehow managed to stay in the Premier League last season, which in and of itself is a minor miracle, but the home form is particularly suspicious, resembling that of a Champions League club. However, this season is conclusive proof.
Dyche’s mighty Clarets sit 6th. in the EPL table with +4 goal difference. *
Suspicious? Witches!
Burnley shoot 8.9 times a match. Their opponents shoot 20.7!
Burnley’s xG in attack is .66. In defence? 1.54! (And yet they sit in 6th) when the statistical laws of the universe says this is IM-possible. And SINCE it’s impossible and yet we can see it with our very eyes, the only other conclusion is witchcraft.
Sean Dyche must be a warlock!
We therefore demand he be weighed next to a duck, tossed in the bog to see if he floats, and burned for crimes against football.”
Awkward. Insane. Ridiculous.
At the start of last season, Burnley was in my relegation list because I refused to give them the benefit of the doubt. Personally, I didn’t think they were convincing. Then they altogether abandoned any hopes of getting points on the road. I had Gray for the first few weeks on my FPL, but shipped him out a couple of weeks after the Liverpool.
The year they won the Championship they finished with 15 draws, six of them 0-0s. Even the games they lost were by 1 goal margins. They were (and still are) under the cosh most games. As at the time of writing, they have faced 55 shots! Only Everton and Palace have faced more.
They’ve conceded 9 goals from those shots and only Man United (13.2%) boast a better percentage of shots conceded led to goals (16.4%)
At the turn of the year, the league average for men getting between shot and goal (for 5+ players) was 4.37%. Second place for this stat was Middlesbrough at 8.3% Burnley’s was 16.67. Extremely fascinating.
So how do they do it?
Burnley play a very deep defensive line, even at home. They play a tight, narrow 4-4-1-1 with room to shoot between the two front men and the midfield, allowing them to get their blocks in with 8 players behind the ball.
They utilize a defensive technique called “frame-squeezing” in which the two centre-backs position themselves in such a way that shots faced are funnelled generally in a direction straight at the goalkeeper. Most of the shots/goals conceded are generally through the middle of the goal. The number 5 and 6 defenders also drop off further to provide cover behind the keeper and put in additional goal-line clearances if need be.
Because they sit so deep and narrow, they force opponents to cross from deep and then get their clearances in. It’s no surprise then, that Tarkowski and Mee lead the league in blocks and clearances.
To play as an attacker in Sean Dyche’s team you have to maintain a high work-rate, be ready to challenge the ball and pick up clearances and second balls. Everyone chips in. Everyone.
Generally, when they do attack they try their utmost best to make it count. Seems like a pretty standard thing to do on a football pitch right? Well, this is Burnley FC and they’re special.
As of Feb. 2017, Burnley were taking shots in the danger zone with fewer than two men between the shooter and the goal for 33.3% of the time, the third highest in the league behind City and Spurs.
Their general attacking play involves fighting for second balls and finding teammates under lesser pressure. This gives them time to breathe and reduces chances of being on the defensive immediately after just starting an attacking move. Oh, and long shots are encouraged whenever there’s a chance.
Sean Dyche may be a witch with these odd stats, but Burnley are definitely no pushovers this season. It will be interesting to see just how far their resilience takes them in the league.
Special thanks to Ted Knuston, co founder of Statsbomb, for explicit permission to use his content. Check out statsbomb.com to understand XGs, PDO, YAPSS and other new-technology stats shaping the world of football today.
*Stats initially correct as of November 16th 2017. All others correct as at time of publishing unless stated otherwise.
Daniel Diaku
Cristiano Ronaldo. An epic footballer. Winner of many individual awards, breaker of many records, scorer of an unbelievable number of goals at an incredibly consistent rate.
Cristiano Ronaldo. The one footballer we couldn’t even do a parody interview for. What can you write when Ronaldo himself gave an interview a few days ago that is almost like a parody? Ha.
Could we make fun of the weird looking sculpted bronze bust which doesn’t look anything like him, but which he was quite happy with? Or the regular showing off of his 8-pack abs, an action that we can’t even poke fun at anymore? Or the occasional childish petulance and dramatic behaviour?
We would rather just go ahead and present the interview he gave. Below are his glorious words.
”No other player has won as many individual trophies as me. And I’m not only talking here about the Ballon d’Or,” Ronaldo said. “That says something, no?
“It’s not only the work that I’m doing in the gym, like people think. It’s a combination of many things. Legends like Floyd Mayweather or LeBron James, they didn’t get to this level of perfection by chance. It must be many factors coming together. To be at the top and stay there, you must always have more talent than others.
“You know, I respect everyone’s preferences. But I don’t see anyone better than me. I always thought that.
“No other footballer does things that I am not capable of doing myself. But I see that I do things that others can’t do. There’s no player more complete than me. I play well with two feet, I’m fast, powerful, good with headers, I score goals, I deliver assists.
“People have the right to prefer Neymar or Messi. But I insist: There is no one more complete than me. …
“You will go and say that I have a big head, but when you’re at the top, it’s normal that you’re criticised. … I am the best player in history, in both good and bad times.”
——————————————————————————————————————————
He has done the unthinkable and forced ”Un-qouted” to become ”quoted”. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is the Cristiano Ronaldo effect. Seemingly making the impossible, possible.
Article by Oladimeji Sapoloso
Portrait by Daniel Diaku.