In the previous edition, I recommended a couple of stamps on Chicarito’s foot. It certainly worked. With the threat of another stamp on his foot looming, the Little Pea promptly ended his mini goal drought in gameweek 6.

Daley Blind however didn’t recover from the Roy Keane special. He is now on an FPL odyssey, and with Mourinho blinded by love for Ashley Young, Daley’s return to PL action seems a fantasy.

Willian might need something stronger than an ankle bruiser to really jolt him into action. No assists or goals in GW 6 and 7, despite being Conte’s first option off the bench to replace Morata. Tie him up and carry him to a barbershop.

For this edition, we would be employing the services of someone who knows a thing or two about sliding and dangerously bad tackles. Steven Slippy Gerrard, get your boots on. We have some villains worse than Demba Ba who need some punishment.

Wayne Rooney

Oooooh, a fellow scouser but one who has played for the Mancs and is now back with the Blues. Stevie would be loving this.

Wayne has been on the wane, after driving dangerously on a road lane, caught drunk and high on shame, no assists or goals, game after game.

After initially catching the eye with a couple of productive gameweeks, I reckon it is time to split from Wayne (chill, Coleen). Gerrard sliding in studs up on Rooney’s left shin is a good way of letting him know he is not welcome in your FPL squad.

Riyad Mahrez

This is someone making a solid case for being the greatest one season wonder of the PL era. PFA Players’ Player of the Year 2015/16 but he sure doesn’t seem like matching those heights again.

This season, Riyad disappeared on transfer deadline day amidst rumours that a move away from Leicester was on. His disappearance wasn’t surprising. He has practically spent most of this season appearing briefly on the pitch before vanishing for majority of each game.

Gerrard would sort out this unproductive FPL player for us. We can’t be having an 8.5m player with only 3 assists in 7 games (And those 3 assists came during the first 2 GWs). Double footed sliding tackle should do the trick.

Southampton Strikers

What a useless bunch of (*Insert insult here*)

Shane Long, Charlie Austin and Manolo Gabbiadini all together have made over 15 appearances in the PL this season. They have managed a fantastic total of 2 goals. TWO freaking goals. How incredibly poor is that? Morata all by himself scored 3 in one game!

This lot don’t deserve any empathy. If there is one player who can multi-task brilliantly on the football pitch, it is our dependable Stevie G. He would tackle these three bozos with one slide, and when they stumble up to their feet, he would finish them off with a lunge to their ankles. Let him loose on them.

Oladimeji Sapoloso