(Introduction- Fargo/Trainspotting rip off)
The events narrated in this series may or may not have taken place. The people mentioned may or may not exist. Reality or Fantasy, the choice is yours.Scratch that, if you are reading this, you already chose Fantasy. Proceed.
Paul, botox, and envy
I am at the coffee machine in the canteen at work. The coffee tastes horrible. I squeeze my face in disgust and annoyance. As a fan of Liverpool, I have many years’ practice of squeezing my face. It almost comes so naturally now. Moreno being shite at left back *squeeze face*, Liverpool selling Suarez and buying Balotelli plus Lambert, an end product of 3 league goals in one season *squeeze face*, Liverpool failing to win the league yet again *squ…*. You get the idea.
I turn around and standing there is Paul with a manic grin on his face. *squeeze face* (but quickly plaster it over with a fake smile). It sucks having such an expressive face sometimes. I am seriously considering some botox treatment. I need a face which doesn’t move so much. The botox specialist who fixes Ancelotti’s eyebrow in a permanent arch would get a ring from me soonest.
Anyway, back to Paul. Paul is a Celtic fan, is a bit of a character and obviously loves Brendan Rodgers. And as he would constantly let everyone know in the office, current champion of our Bigly Covfefe Fantasy League.
He informs me fantasy football is back online for season 2017/18. Cheers mate, I say, while still hiding my disgust+annoyance behind a smile shinier than Roberto Firmino’s. Paul says it would be great to win money off all of us again. My smile diminishes a little.
This bugger right here won 350 euros last season, but the manner in which he did was straight from the Mourinho playbook of win by any means necessary. 7 people put in 50 euros each in a winner takes it all contest. And took it all, he did, while employing tactics which I call ‘score-blocking’.
Paul was Antonio Conte-ing our Bigly Covfefe Fantasy League last season by April. Basically, he was leading the league with over 100 points with me in 2nd. However, he had used up all his chips and I still had my bench boost and triple captain chips.
After cutting his lead down to 22 pts following the double gameweeks, I started feeling smug for the final gameweek. I was the Alex Ferguson ruthlessly chasing down the Kevin Keegan (PL season 95/96). I would love it, love it, if I beat this dude. I had Kane, KDB and Jesus (Halleluyah!). Players almost certainly guaranteed to bag loads of points in GW 38. Paul had none of those. 22 pts didn’t look too difficult to overhaul.
Enter ‘’score blocking’’.
Score-blocking is basically when a rival manager has a look at your team, sees which players are doing good enough for you and proceeds to buy those same players in order to maintain a lead over you. And Paul, the bloody blagger did precisely this. Took an 8 point hit to get in those 3 specific players (Kane, KDB, and Jesus) for the final game week and effectively won the league by doing so.
Now, here he was bantering at me. /Feck off mate, I’m not Carra and you are not Neville/. I say to him, this new season should be fun buddy, I will check out the fantasy football website when I get home. I leave the canteen before the urge to Fellaini him overcomes me.
I get home and load up the FPL website. Rest in Pieces, you useless All Out Attack Chip. I answered the random registration questions and smartly avoided ticking those boxes where they ask if they can spam you with emails. I’m smart like that. Straight into team selection and a quick look at some players prices. Bigly Covfefe League FPL Season 2017/18. It’s ON.
Next Week – Selection headaches, Accountancy Firms, and Moral Dilemmas
Diary ghost-written by Oladimeji Sapoloso.