Un-Quoted

Today we have the Belgian Maestro, the talented KDB who is arguably the Premier League’s MVP. Kevin De Bruyne is here for a chat and also to promote his upcoming autobiography titled ”Let Me Talk”.

Hello Kevin, how are you today?

Kevin nods 

We can see that you are also here with some of your team-mates. Can you tell us what it felt like scoring that winning goal at Stamford Bridge and what it meant for the team?

Gabriel Jesus passes a bottle of Chelsea London dry gin to Kevin. Kevin opens the bottle and empties the contents all over the floor.

Er, okay. I guess we can take our answer from that. Well, what do you think of people who say Phil Coutinho is a much better player than you?

Raheem Sterling steps up and hands over a well-wrapped pipe to Kevin. Kevin lights it up and puffs on it for a minute or two. Smells suspiciously like marijuana

Well Kevin, I guess that’s your answer . Those who think Coutinho is better must be high or something.

Okay, next question. Why exactly were you angry a couple days ago after the Napoli game? Don’t your team mates let you talk? Is that why you are still not giving verbal answers to my questions now?

Pep Guardiola steps into the room. ”Sorry, Kevin can not disclose private matters. Sometimes, talking is actually not necessary. Don’t you see me communicating with my numerous hand signals on the touchline? It’s a genius way of communicating so that the opposing managers can’t understand the instructions I give my players”

Sergio Aguero interjects ”Boss, sometimes we don’t understand those crazy hand signals either..”

”Shut up Sergio”, Pep responds. ”That is why I occasionally bench you. I would be going back to buy Alexis Sanchez soon. He understands my actions. When I rub my bald head in a specific manner, he knows what instruction I am communicating. This is also why I miss Messi sometimes. That guy could read me like a..”

”SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. LET ME TALK. THIS IS MY INTERVIEW. LET ME TALK !! LET ME TALK !!!” Kevin De Bruyne angrily gets up and kicks the empty bottle of Chelsea London Dry Gin into the air. Leroy Sane jumps and heads it into the waste bin.

Kevin storms out of the room. Even when he is so pissed off, he can’t stop giving assists. What a baller.

Interviewer- Oladimejii Sapoloso

Artist- Daniel Diaku